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Do you need advice? Let Aunty know: Dear Aunty
Dear Aunty Ever since I reflected on the fact that I have been badgering people I've noticed that my behaviour has cause for concern I find I can only go out at night. Instead of my favourite football team I am now attracted to Newcastle United and Notts County because of their gorgeous black and white striped kit. Last bonfire night I insisted that only Brock's fireworks were purchased. During Wimbledon I had a warm feeling whenever I heard game, setts, and match. I have just been arrested for destroying all the shaving brushes in Libertys. Should I turn away from this now or dig in? Yours questioningly Barry Aunty's response Dear Barry, This obsession with Wimbledon Ladies, growing facial hair and football is often found in men of a certain age. Are you greying around the temples by chance? I think that you may well be turning into a Badger Man. Make good use of your talents by offering to dig out some new tube lines for London Underground. You do need to be careful however as if you are suffering from mild dyslexia or are just a bad speller you could instead end up turning into a Bad German. Watch for urges to invade other countries. If this happens consult a GP immediately. If that doesn't help I'll leave you with this joke: Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time. Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." "Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers. Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham." So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's". "Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation. "You sure, son?" says Fergie. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer." "Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie. "Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock." Dear Aunty Help! it is the new year and already my life seems empty and meaningless. I have just heard that Steps have resigned! My goodness and Britney Spears has lost her virginity - I mean what should we do? where can we look to find it? please help I cannot contemplate the year ahead with all these pressing problems. Yours,
Aunty's response: Dear Vexed You clearly do have problems. A lack of musical taste can have a terrible effect on the whole of your life. People laugh at you in the pub, your slogan-ised tee shirts raise titters on the street, and you start to suspect that even your dog is telling amusing anecdotes about your fondness for talentless air heads to other dogs in the park.
I suggest that you take your CDs to Music and Video exchange so that they can humiliate you in public by offering you £2.48 for the entire collection. Plumb the depths of despair - then you'll find the only way is up!
Dear Aunty I have a hole in my shoes. What should I do? Aunty's response: Of course you do you daft sod. It's so you can put your foot in
Dear Aunty I was promised that I would leave spots behind with my teen years, I still get them and I'm now 29 - what can I do ? Aunty's response: Who promised you this? Your mother? The woman who told you there was a Father Christmas?
Dear Aunty I don't seem to have any luck with girls. Can you give me some advice? Aunty's response: Try women instead.
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