Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Motorists. enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. 

A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying it in the first place

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an Inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.